When a client first gets in touch with me, the starting point is usually some kind of anxiety, fears or disconnect they experience in the relationship.
99% of the time, those struggles are first and foremost internal and get projected onto their partner, and onto the relationship.
Too often there is an unconscious belief that our partner should complete us, and thus make us feel whole, or fill in for our needs where we are otherwise unable to step up for ourselves.
We often don’t consciously realise it, but the myth of ‘The One’ is deeply drilled into our unconscious mind, whether we like it or not. And it’s damaging to the foundations of a solid healthy relationship between two equal partners.
When you look for a partner who will complete you and respond to all your needs, what you’re unconsciously looking for is a parent, not an equal partner alongside whom each one of you can grow.
When the initial stages of infatuation or the ‘falling in love’ stage is over - often couples, usually not at the same time, will start questioning their relationship and the suitability of their partner and their ability to make us ‘truly happy, whole and fulfilled’.
Generally speaking this phase is marked with disappointment, disillusionment and sometimes even feelings of betrayal when we realise the other isn’t able to carry the weight or responsibility of meeting our needs, and completing us the way we’d like to be completed.
Sometimes people refer it to the ‘make or break’ phase - the truth is that this is the unconscious or conscious relationship choice point. This is your opportunity to create a conscious relationship.
But what is a conscious relationship exactly?
Here's my two cents - a conscious relationship is about choosing to commit to your own individual development and that of your partner, through the vehicle of your relationship. In other words, it’s reclaiming responsibility for your own personal development and agency by pulling back the unconscious expectations you place on your partner and your partnership, so that you can both grow within and the relationship.
Love is no longer just a feeling, it becomes a way of being.
Realising where you’re at and what you’ve been projecting onto your partner and your relationship is the first stage to building a conscious relationship.
The second stage is to start reclaiming your projections, and expectations you place upon your partner and relationship.
The third stage is to commit and act in a way where you are responsible for your own inner life, and choose to love another and witness them in their own process and individuation journey.
This process is not linear, and you will move through this cycle again and again. But as you do, you become more of yourself, you learn to love and be loved in a way you’ve never had and been before.
The way I support my client to get to that stage is by helping them become aware of the unconscious dynamics that are playing and at some level seeking to heal wounds from the internalisation of the parental relationship.
The means by which we do this is usually a semi conscious one, we talk, get curious, ask questions. But more often than not these waters run really deep into our unconscious and we have to bring in other tools besides ‘talking’ such as active imagination and dream interpretation to be able to pull back the projections and help clients step into a truthful authentic and loving relationship.
By surrendering the myth of the "ONE" and uncovering their own unconscious inner dynamics and meeting the parts of themselves they didn’t even know were at play, clients are freed from the burden of unrealistic expectations placed on their partners and relationships. They are able to choose love instead of expecting to feel love.
This opens the door to more authentic and fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, and acceptance of each other's imperfections and individuality.
The wonderful James Hollis says - "the true test of individuation is being able to grow and become yourself AND exist in relationship to someone else".
You don’t have to figure this out alone, the best way to start embracing connection and working to reclaim your own projections is by reaching out today to schedule a free no commitment call with me to help you explore where you are at and clarify your vision for conscious love.
Simply email me on mariam@holisticallymecoaching.com or hit reply to secure your space. Availability is limited so to avoid disappointment hit reply now.
